There is a lot of good mixed in with the bad. For those who may question, I really DO see the good. Maybe not all of it, but I do see it. And I am so very grateful for the good, because I don't think I would have survived this year without it. My husband (even though I have resisted greatly for who knows what reason) has been a solid rock throughout much of these trials. And is such a great help to me emotionally.
As I sit here and write this I am currently in the waiting process to have yet another miscarriage. This will be my 5th this year, and this time I was far enough along to print out pictures of Piper wearing her big sister shirt to send to our families. I had planned on sending the picture along with a family letter. At the end I had wrote out the exciting news that yes we were pregnant. And it appeared as though we would have our rainbow baby finally. (For those who don't know, it simply means there's always a beautiful rainbow after a terrible storm.) We even had an ultra sound at 6 weeks because I was so scared something was wrong. We heard a strong heartbeat of 139bpm.
I was so happy, and grateful to hear that heartbeat. It eased my nerves a lot, and I felt like I could relax some. So I started to get excited. Doing those fun "old wives tales" gender predictor things, Chinese chart, Mayan chart, Ramzi method etc. EVERYTHING came back that we were having another little girl. Though they are just for fun, and have ZERO ability to accurately predict what you are having. We were thinking of names, and were pretty set on one in particular. Penelope Louise. Penelope because it's a cute name, and Louise is Dave's moms middle name.
So as you can see we were both finally getting a little excited. Baby was due to be born July 14th, though we were going to be induced a week early so baby was going to be big enough to travel to big bear Utah for a family reunion. Plans with the doctor were already made. We were SURE this baby was sticking around. Tuesday came, and I decided to finally stuff the Christmas/announcement cards to send to family. (This part might get a little TMI for some) At 3pm I needed to use the restroom. When I was done I saw bright red blood, and small clots on the tissue. A pregnant woman's worst nightmare. Especially one that has seen losses in the past.
I immediately called the doctors office, and they had me come in right away. We checked for a heartbeat, nothing. We did an exam, and doctor confirmed bleeding. So he sent me in for an emergency ultrasound. I noticed there that the bleeding had stopped almost completely. Making me hopeful it was maybe some break through bleeding is all. During the ultrasound the tech wouldn't tell me anything. I asked if we could hear a heartbeat, and she refused saying the didn't have audio. Even though I knew better because it was the same machine where we heard the heart beat at my last ultrasound. She answered all of my questions by saying she couldn't say what she saw or she would lose her license.
After the ultrasound it was almost 5, and the doctors office was staying open for me to get back. As soon as I got there, they took me back, and the doctor gave me the news. Monday December 16th I was supposed to 10 weeks making Tuesday 10 weeks 2 days. The baby stopped growing at 7 weeks. The radiologist called it a "fetal demise". Quite possibly the worst words I could hear. I refused to cry though in front of the doctor, mainly because I had Piper with me the whole time, and didn't want to scare her. (I had her because I didn't call dave home from work, and she had just been diagnosed that morning with tonsillitis, so I didn't want anyone else to get sick. But she was so well behaved the entire time.)
I got to my car, buckled Piper into her car seat, got in the drivers side, and sobbed. I just couldn't believe this was happening to me for the 5th time this year. I didn't want to believe it. Piper deserves a sibling, and there is something wrong with me. How was I so blessed to get and stay pregnant with Piper with next to no complications? And yet can't stay pregnant anymore? The doctor talked to me about seeing a specialist, but the insurance I had will be up on the first, and any specialist I see we will have to pay out of pocket which we can't afford. I'm pretty angry about a lot this year. And this Christmas is not a happy one. I am not very thankful this year.
I can say that we will get through this, just as we have the last ones. Though this one stings a little more. I don't know what the future holds for us. I don't know if we will be blessed with more children. I hope we can. But that's not up to me. I hope we can find out what is wrong with me. But that's not up to me either. But until we do find out what the problem is we most likely will be avoiding pregnancy at all costs. Because honestly... I don't know if I could do a 6th.
Friday, December 20, 2013
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Do I share too much?
I post a LOT of pictures and videos of Piper. I'm talking... A LOT. I have a slight obsession. I'm willing to admit this. If they had classes like AA or NA for an addiction to your child and sharing those cute moments that you wish everyone you loved was around to see... I probably wouldn't attend those classes. BUT I have had 2 family members tell me that I "share too much". Of course this is in "their opinion". The most recent "controversial" one was this picture:
Piper used the potty for the first time!!!
This picture I posted on my PRIVATE instagram account that is also linked to my PRIVATE facebook. The only picture on my instagram account if you're not someone I approve to see pictures is a picture of me on my wedding day. Also it should be noted that I have spent MANY hours to ensure my pictures/videos posts, virtually EVERYTHING I do on facebook/instagram/socialcam is 100% private. I have almost 400 "friends" on my facebook. And about 300 of them are family. Extended family, close family, family I rarely talk too but love to keep up on, 2nd and 3rd cousins, grandparents, brothers, sisters in law, brother in law, in laws, aunts/uncles in laws. I mean I have A LOT of family... OR even people I call my family. The rest of them. ALL but a very select few I was a missionary with, friends since high school, middle school, since I was 5, people I went to church with, kids I babysat (who by the way are old enough be married and have their own children... talk about feeling old!!!) etc...
These are all people I love and adore. Yes all almost 400 of them. But I have been thinking in great detail. Do I share too much? I think back to some of the more things I thought/think were/are humorous like that spot she constantly would go to and we couldn't keep her out of it, then figured out it was her "pooping spot"... was that too much to share? Or what about the milestones she passes, like when I shot a video of her in the bath (from the shoulders up) showing me 10... yes TEN of her bath toys that are all animals, and she knows them by name. She will pick up the correct animal when prompted. At 15 months I feel like that is AMAZING!! Or like today... I probably went a little nuts on the video posting because she's either dancing (her new thing and I love it!!) or she's chasing my mom's dog Sadie (because my dog Gunner... if you looked up the word "lazy" in the dictionary, his picture would take up the whole page... lol he just rolls over to his side when she tries to play with him.) and she is laughing harder than I've ever heard her laughing.
Pictures of her sweet moments reading a book, or sleeping in her crib w/ her feet sticking out. Looking out the window when Daddy goes to work, hugging on her "baby" that she calls out for every time she sees it. I can't get enough of her. I want to record every waking moment with her. I will sometimes stare at her, and see her make THE CUTEST or funniest face, and WISH I had my camera to share those precious moments. And after a lot of contemplating if my constant sharing of my daughter could remotely be offensive... I came to this conclusion:
If something were to EVER happen to me (heaven forbid), I want my daughter to know that I was a HUGE part of her life. If she ever once questions how much I love her, all she has to do is 1: read this blog, and 2: look at the HUNDREDS of pictures I have of her even in this short time she's lived on this earth. That I was proud of her. So proud I had to show her off. Even if it is a little over board. And I know there are those moms/dads who are allowed on my account that probably roll their eyes at every post/picture/video of Piper and think, "geez! She sure does talk a lot about her daughter!!" And quite honestly... I WANT people to think I share too much/talk too much about her because that means that I am there... I'm involved in her life. I do dang near EVERYTHING with her. The last thing I would want someone to think is, "does she ever take care of her kid?" "Is she ever there for the exciting moments?" (yes even the first time going potty moment!)
I love to look back on all of these photos. And looking at them... there is not 1 picture of Piper that I wish I hadn't posted, that she could possibly be embarrassed about later on in life. I plan on teaching my child to be secure not only about herself, but about everything that happened in her life. And say I'm wrong and she is embarrassed about the 1st time peeing in the potty picture. When she becomes a mom for the first time... she will understand. She will know just how exciting these first moments are, and how much fun it is to share w/ so many people you love and your phone won't let you text that many people at one time. I have put myself "in her shoes" and thought, "would this bother me if my mom posted something like this about me?" The answer has always been no.
Maybe it's because I am secure enough to know that my mom (who is the "photographer" in my immediate family) who took that many pictures of me loved me. I LOVE looking back at pictures of me. In the tub, in my jammies, when I would "do my own hair" and it looked like I was caught in a wind tunnel of barrettes and bows... When I fell out of my grandparents window and into some bushes and it looked like I'd gotten in a fight w/ a cat and the cat won... on my face... Or that time when I was 4 and I got the brilliant idea of going down a steep driveway on a skate board... on my stomach, and crashed into the curb chin first. I love those pictures!! I would have loved to see comments on how much others loved those photos too.
I love my baby girl. I will never apologize for that. I want to make sure she knows that. I am grateful for a day-in-age where we have the ability to share w/ our friends/family. I feel so blessed for this time of life where we have access to so many different ways of keeping up w/ friends and family who we would otherwise lose contact with. I love all of my friends/family, and I just want all of them to be in my life. So if you are one of the ones who is offended by the amount I share of my daughter please feel free to either delete my account from your view, or block the things you don't want to see. I enjoy every single one of my friends/family, but if the feeling isn't mutual, I would rather skin not crawl over the things I choose to say/do.
Now for lots of pictures!!
She loves to play with her piano. In fact she LOVES music.
I made this diaper cover!!!
I made these covers too!!! Plus 6 others!!
She is a genius in the making.
Momma's little cowgirl
She falls fast asleep in the car every time we leave town.
Give a kid a box...
Saying bye bye to daddy as he leaves after lunch.
Caught a sneak peek at my child who nearly doesn't fit in her crib anymore!
She is so curious to find out how things work! She can take some things apart and put them back together now!!
Not all of them are in the picture, but this is 2 days worth of cloth diapers.
Watching some tiny person tv for about 10 minutes... Mommy just likes the cuddles.
Someone can now climb the couch and is an expert at getting into trouble... lol
Like this picture... She isn't supposed to be up there. But she loves that spot!!!
Saturday, August 31, 2013
I'm noticing a growing trend lately and I find it quite disturbing.
So I read up on various news sites here and there, but nothing that I truly delve into. I will read up on something that catches my eye. A fun story here and there, or sad stories that will pull at the hearts strings. Sometimes I read trashy stories (like kardashian updates I was so excited to see a picture of her beautiful little girl.). But those aren't the things I find disturbing. It's in the comments. ESPECIALLY in the sad stories. Even in the heartwarming stories these comments are made, and I just don't understand it. Almost EVERY negative comment is laced w/ racism.
This evening I was reading a story about a 15 year old boy who forced a 7 year old to do unspeakable things, and then attempted to trap her in a home and burn the house down. Sad, terrible, heart wrenching story. But the comments... Terrible. I just want to scream at these people to remember that there is a 7 year old girl involved in this tragic event, and will likely be scarred beyond anything we can comprehend. She needs support from these strangers (as it has reached national news, though she is not named, nor is the attacker named). She doesn't need her life being drug through the mud by these morons hiding behind a computer screen.
Some of the comments include:
"was it another son of Obama? Sounds like it could be."
"It was a black guy, why is there no picture of him?"
"@soandso do you know why it's extremely ignorant and dangerous to pretend race is irrelevant, and we're NOT all the same? Of course you don't, that's why you live in a fantasy world."
"Well since the race of the perpetrator has been deliberately omitted, we can assume the the 15yr old rapist is WHAT COLOR??? Poughkeepsie (where the incident happened), it takes a village..... from projects to penitentiary, your children are AOK in Poughkeepsie........ This ad approved by daddy Obama and DNC....."
Those aren't the worst!!! Mind you neither the boy OR the girl's race was added into the story. These idiots have no idea if the young girl was hispanic, white, black, asian, polynesian... These idiots have no idea if the boy is any of these races either. They could have both been the same race, or of different decent. Why are we bringing the color of a person's skin into something so tragic? IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT HAPPENED!!! The "perpetrator's" skin did not commit the crime, the person inside the skin did. His skin did not define him to be good or bad. He was not pre-destined to do these things BECAUSE of the color he wears on his epidermis. These are things he can't change or choose. But HE chose to commit those actions not his skin.
Now mind you this is a growing trend I am noticing. I hate this. I hadn't noticed it before, but with everyone saying that the white people are racist BECAUSE they are white, may not ring true, BUT they are not proving anyone wrong by saying the things like the above quotes!! Why do these people feel they need to bring race into everything? Do they not realize what they are doing? Or do they not care? We REALLY need to focus on the issue rather than the color someone was born with on their skin. I blame the George Zimmerman trial for this. No one but God knows exactly what happened, and people have a right to be upset.
But I believe that if Zimmerman is truly guilty of murder, and he killed that young man (Treyvon Martin) because of race, among other things; GOD will dole out the deserved justice. No matter what happens in this life that we don't like or understand, everything will turn out after this life. We need to treat people w/ the love of Christ. I don't understand how some rules of these "christians" (yes some of them w/ the nasty tongue claim to be christian) are ok to throw out the window when it comes to specific types of people. For instance, "Love thy neighbor as thyself...". This does not end w/ "unless they are black". Or "unless they aren't the same race as you".
I hope that at some point we can remember that ALL of us are God's children, and just as children on the playground can be influenced by their friends, so can anyone be influenced by Satan. Satan is not racist or sexist. He influences people of all colors and genders. If there is anything I want people to take away from this it's that I believe in God, Jesus Christ, AND the Holy Ghost, and I believe that through them this world can be a better place. God created his children... INCLUDING their skin color. We are perfected through Christ. Not each other.
This evening I was reading a story about a 15 year old boy who forced a 7 year old to do unspeakable things, and then attempted to trap her in a home and burn the house down. Sad, terrible, heart wrenching story. But the comments... Terrible. I just want to scream at these people to remember that there is a 7 year old girl involved in this tragic event, and will likely be scarred beyond anything we can comprehend. She needs support from these strangers (as it has reached national news, though she is not named, nor is the attacker named). She doesn't need her life being drug through the mud by these morons hiding behind a computer screen.
Some of the comments include:
"was it another son of Obama? Sounds like it could be."
"It was a black guy, why is there no picture of him?"
"@soandso do you know why it's extremely ignorant and dangerous to pretend race is irrelevant, and we're NOT all the same? Of course you don't, that's why you live in a fantasy world."
"Well since the race of the perpetrator has been deliberately omitted, we can assume the the 15yr old rapist is WHAT COLOR??? Poughkeepsie (where the incident happened), it takes a village..... from projects to penitentiary, your children are AOK in Poughkeepsie........ This ad approved by daddy Obama and DNC....."
Those aren't the worst!!! Mind you neither the boy OR the girl's race was added into the story. These idiots have no idea if the young girl was hispanic, white, black, asian, polynesian... These idiots have no idea if the boy is any of these races either. They could have both been the same race, or of different decent. Why are we bringing the color of a person's skin into something so tragic? IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT HAPPENED!!! The "perpetrator's" skin did not commit the crime, the person inside the skin did. His skin did not define him to be good or bad. He was not pre-destined to do these things BECAUSE of the color he wears on his epidermis. These are things he can't change or choose. But HE chose to commit those actions not his skin.
Now mind you this is a growing trend I am noticing. I hate this. I hadn't noticed it before, but with everyone saying that the white people are racist BECAUSE they are white, may not ring true, BUT they are not proving anyone wrong by saying the things like the above quotes!! Why do these people feel they need to bring race into everything? Do they not realize what they are doing? Or do they not care? We REALLY need to focus on the issue rather than the color someone was born with on their skin. I blame the George Zimmerman trial for this. No one but God knows exactly what happened, and people have a right to be upset.
But I believe that if Zimmerman is truly guilty of murder, and he killed that young man (Treyvon Martin) because of race, among other things; GOD will dole out the deserved justice. No matter what happens in this life that we don't like or understand, everything will turn out after this life. We need to treat people w/ the love of Christ. I don't understand how some rules of these "christians" (yes some of them w/ the nasty tongue claim to be christian) are ok to throw out the window when it comes to specific types of people. For instance, "Love thy neighbor as thyself...". This does not end w/ "unless they are black". Or "unless they aren't the same race as you".
I hope that at some point we can remember that ALL of us are God's children, and just as children on the playground can be influenced by their friends, so can anyone be influenced by Satan. Satan is not racist or sexist. He influences people of all colors and genders. If there is anything I want people to take away from this it's that I believe in God, Jesus Christ, AND the Holy Ghost, and I believe that through them this world can be a better place. God created his children... INCLUDING their skin color. We are perfected through Christ. Not each other.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
A new adventure...
So I have decided to take on a new challenge. Cloth diapering. I was a little afraid of it at first. Because I can't just roll these up and throw them in the garbage, and I will have to spray off the poo, AND I will have to wash them daily... I hate laundry. When I was single I did laundry once a week. Now that I'm married, and have a kid I still try to stick to the once a week thing, but it seems like no matter what I do I have to do laundry more than once a week... Now that I have cloth diapers... it's every day. lol Again... I hate laundry!!
For the last few months I have been doing some research on diapers, asking around, reading blogs, reading reviews etc. I decided to go w/ Kawaii Pocket Diapers. From the name you'd think they were made in Hawaii... nope, they are canadian. Which I think is an odd name for a canadian brand but hey... as long as they work right? I decided on Kawaii for a couple different reasons. The first was price. All the diapers with good reviews were in the $17-$25 range. A lot more than I wanted to spend! When I found Kawaii it was about $8 a diaper. More than half the price! So then I looked at the reviews (my other reason) and nearly EVERYONE who used Kawaii diapers LOVED them. They had nothing but good things to say. I also have a couple friends who use them and they love them as well. So I decided to go for it. I spent $84 on 15 diaper and 10 extra inserts. The diapers themselves came w/ 2 inserts each.
So friday July 19th couldn't have come quick enough. My small stash of 15 diapers came in the mail. and I was SO excited!!
For the last few months I have been doing some research on diapers, asking around, reading blogs, reading reviews etc. I decided to go w/ Kawaii Pocket Diapers. From the name you'd think they were made in Hawaii... nope, they are canadian. Which I think is an odd name for a canadian brand but hey... as long as they work right? I decided on Kawaii for a couple different reasons. The first was price. All the diapers with good reviews were in the $17-$25 range. A lot more than I wanted to spend! When I found Kawaii it was about $8 a diaper. More than half the price! So then I looked at the reviews (my other reason) and nearly EVERYONE who used Kawaii diapers LOVED them. They had nothing but good things to say. I also have a couple friends who use them and they love them as well. So I decided to go for it. I spent $84 on 15 diaper and 10 extra inserts. The diapers themselves came w/ 2 inserts each.
So friday July 19th couldn't have come quick enough. My small stash of 15 diapers came in the mail. and I was SO excited!!
Stash of diapers finally came!
I couldn't wait to put them on Piper and get her going on cloth! But I first had to follow the directions and wash them 3-4 times to make sure the microfiber inserts would wick the moisture away, and absorb well. So I did. It took all day. You can't use "normal" detergent because it breaks down the microfibers ability to absorb and wick. It ruins it. Plus I'm still learning how to do all the stripping, and sunning etc. So it's a good thing that I already used Country Save because per 3 websites that are dedicated to listing all detergents out there and how safe they are for cloth diapering, and a couple websites w/ reviews for the detergents, Country Save is marked as one of the best detergents to use!
So I started putting them on Piper, and knowing she's considered a "heavy wetter" I doubled up on the inserts during the day, and put 3 inserts on her at night. During the day I noticed that after an hour or so she would pee through her diaper. Something that isn't supposed to happen! I was getting so frustrated after about 3-4 days of this. So I was connected w/ a facebook page devoted specifically to cloth diapers, and I posted a question about her leaking.
It looks as though the snaps are leaking, and when I asked 300+ women on the facebook page no one had ever seen this happen.
I emailed the company on their facebook page, and through their website. They gave me a general answer as to what was going on. And I decided to go w/ the advice of the 300+ women on facebook and the few friends I have that cloth diaper. I washed them another FIVE times on a warm wash w/ nothing but detergent. Then I put them through 2 cold rinse cycles, THEN I dried them 2 times on HOT to hopefully seal the diapers. and it WORKED! So far a few days later I haven't had this issue again. So for anyone considering cloth diapers, I would definitely recommend Kawaii pockets. BUT I would recommend probably about 3-4 EXTRA washes and a few cold rinses than the recommended and adding 2 hot drys to seal the diapers. But she doesn't seem bothered by the diapers at all. She does walk a little funny now though. She has a waddle when I put the night diaper on her. lol it's pretty funny to watch her waddle instead of walk through the house. I need to buy a few more diapers so I don't have to wash EVERY day, maybe enough for every other day washing (you don't want to go longer than that).
This was the BANE of my existence...
I was rigging a diaper sprayer from a kitchen sink sprayer, and trying to connect it to the toilet. It was supposed to be maybe a half hour job, and it turned into a 4 hour job, w/ multiple trips to the hardware store. (we're talking like 6 trips here...) So I finally got someone who was so fixated on figuring this out that she spent a couple hours with me trying different things until we finally rigged it!
(don't mind the white on the marble floor... Dave cleaned the bathroom and didn't know lime away will strip the top of the marble. The more you know...) This is the rigged diaper sprayer! We had to put a piece of copper pipe in between 2 different connectors! But it worked!!
So now I have a fluffy butt baby! PLUS the bonus part is we are saving $40 a month on a box of diapers now. Which is a lot in the long run! Plus I don't have a bag of nasty diapers that the animals like to get into at night when I throw them away. AND her room doesn't stink! Makes for a happy momma.
Part of her stash. We are missing 4 night time diapers, a red diaper, and a yellow diaper.
A day time diaper!
This is a night time diaper. It is pretty bulky because it has 3 inserts. Notice how far apart her feet are? lol
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Breast Feeding - seriously... what's the BIG deal?!
Recently I have had some friends who are VERY open, and proactive about public breast feeding, and how it is a beautiful necessity, and not something that should be ripped apart and compared to defecating in the restroom. I agree w/ my friends!! No surprise there... but seriously. I had a moment where I was so uncomfortable breast feeding in public that while in Denver I was at a restaurant w/ my mom and husband and my then 3 month old daughter. She was a little fussy, and I realized it was time to feed her. So rather than subject myself, my husband, and my mom to the death stares I knew I would receive I excused myself, and went to the restroom and very awkwardly attempted to breast feed my daughter. Something I hope I never have to repeat.
If you disagree w/ public breast feeding, are a mother, and have breast fed, have you every breast fed your child while someone in the next stall is peeing? PLUS a 3 month old isn't exactly fast at eating, so this usually takes a while. And not only did one person next to me pee, but several. A few even pooped next to me. As a mother you want and are trying to do the best for your child, and I disagree w/ the argument "would YOU want to eat your food in a bathroom stall?" ONLY because my daughter at 3 months had no idea where she was eating. I agree w/ that argument BECAUSE *I* know where my daughter was eating, and that I was sitting in a bathroom stall (yes sitting down on the toilet because trying to squat AND breast feed was too much multi tasking for me...) where others poop, pee, and change their Aunt Flow products... (eeeew!!!!)
So. Would you take your dinner in a bathroom stall? Would you want to sit there, and read the gross text written across the walls of the stall? Would YOU want to keep munching on that nice juicy steak while someone was squirting the remains of their last meal that had been recently digested into the toilet? I can answer that question for you. You would say NO!!! So why would you want to force an infant in those circumstances? Another point is the woman can remove herself to the car and feed her infant there. Passersby will obviously see her breast feeding, and still be appalled by the act. Not only that, but I don't know about your car, but my car's air conditioning SUCKS while it is idling. It gets muggy, and hot, and I get all sweaty and sticky. Which I think is disgusting for that poor child to have a mother breast feeding her child and occasionally getting a sip or two in of it's mothers dripping sweat. SICK!!!
So what's my motivation for writing this post? I read an article recently where a waitress rewarded a woman for breast feeding her child by buying one of their families pizza's. Then wrote on the receipt "I bought one of your pizza's. Please thank your wife for breast feeding." The short end of the story is the family went to a pizza joint for dinner, their youngest child was fussy. The waitress noticed the child stopped crying and knew instantly why. The woman was covered, and nursing her child. Once she was done, (because of previous negative comments she had received) she excused herself and waited for her family in the car. Her husband went to pay for the food, and the note on the receipt plus they were minus a charge for one of their pizzas is what he was surprised with.
Then came the comments on the article:
"This is gross. I think it offensive and horrible that women nurse in public! It’s indecent! Go to you car or in the restroom. Some woman have no manners or class. This disgusts me."
"Pigs in a blanket."
"Breast feeding in the middle of a Restaurant is a complete lack of Manners and lack of respect to The Meal!
These people probably also support yapping on a cellphone at the Restaurant Table, which is another lack of Manners and disrespect to the Meal."
"In today’s society it’s just not appropriate to breastfeed in public and it’s certainly not needed – there are plenty of ways you can provide for your children without having to expose yourself."
If you disagree w/ public breast feeding, are a mother, and have breast fed, have you every breast fed your child while someone in the next stall is peeing? PLUS a 3 month old isn't exactly fast at eating, so this usually takes a while. And not only did one person next to me pee, but several. A few even pooped next to me. As a mother you want and are trying to do the best for your child, and I disagree w/ the argument "would YOU want to eat your food in a bathroom stall?" ONLY because my daughter at 3 months had no idea where she was eating. I agree w/ that argument BECAUSE *I* know where my daughter was eating, and that I was sitting in a bathroom stall (yes sitting down on the toilet because trying to squat AND breast feed was too much multi tasking for me...) where others poop, pee, and change their Aunt Flow products... (eeeew!!!!)
So. Would you take your dinner in a bathroom stall? Would you want to sit there, and read the gross text written across the walls of the stall? Would YOU want to keep munching on that nice juicy steak while someone was squirting the remains of their last meal that had been recently digested into the toilet? I can answer that question for you. You would say NO!!! So why would you want to force an infant in those circumstances? Another point is the woman can remove herself to the car and feed her infant there. Passersby will obviously see her breast feeding, and still be appalled by the act. Not only that, but I don't know about your car, but my car's air conditioning SUCKS while it is idling. It gets muggy, and hot, and I get all sweaty and sticky. Which I think is disgusting for that poor child to have a mother breast feeding her child and occasionally getting a sip or two in of it's mothers dripping sweat. SICK!!!
So what's my motivation for writing this post? I read an article recently where a waitress rewarded a woman for breast feeding her child by buying one of their families pizza's. Then wrote on the receipt "I bought one of your pizza's. Please thank your wife for breast feeding." The short end of the story is the family went to a pizza joint for dinner, their youngest child was fussy. The waitress noticed the child stopped crying and knew instantly why. The woman was covered, and nursing her child. Once she was done, (because of previous negative comments she had received) she excused herself and waited for her family in the car. Her husband went to pay for the food, and the note on the receipt plus they were minus a charge for one of their pizzas is what he was surprised with.
Then came the comments on the article:
"This is gross. I think it offensive and horrible that women nurse in public! It’s indecent! Go to you car or in the restroom. Some woman have no manners or class. This disgusts me."
"Pigs in a blanket."
"Breast feeding in the middle of a Restaurant is a complete lack of Manners and lack of respect to The Meal!
These people probably also support yapping on a cellphone at the Restaurant Table, which is another lack of Manners and disrespect to the Meal."
"In today’s society it’s just not appropriate to breastfeed in public and it’s certainly not needed – there are plenty of ways you can provide for your children without having to expose yourself."
"I realize that for most of human history – the last five thousand years since the Beginning — that people did stuff like breast feeding and whatever in public. Just look at all those tribal photos in National Geographic. Those people simply did what humans to do, in public for all the world to see. They only covered themselves for warmth or protection of sensitive areas if you know what I mean. And they don’t even care. They aren’t even ashamed.
But we’re more sophisticated now and are rightfully disturbed by such things. Like from the Garden of Eden we’re now ashamed of being naked although those tribal aboriginal people aren’t because they never heard about the Christian God and how your supposed to be ashamed to show your stuff like your were proud of nursing and felt like you had to do it instead of going to the women’s bathroom and doing this stuff in private rather than not being ashamed like Eve in the Bible."
PERSONALLY I am offended that breast feeding is such a "controversial" topic, and that people are offended by the act when there are PLENTY of women showing off their "stuff" just walking through the grocery store!! I see more boob action walking through wal*mart than I have ever seen from a nursing woman. Also to compare a breast feeding baby to a barbaric act that only those women who are in "tribes" do because they don't know any better is appalling and disgusting, and quite frankly I want to punch that person in the throat!
Breast feeding is a natural, beautiful, NECESSARY act for the health of an infant. I felt so self conscious about breast feeding that I would often subject my daughter to a hot sweaty car to save the "feelings" of others. UNTIL I went to my family reunion in San Diego, and 2 of my sisters in-law who also had children who were nursing, and weren't (or at least didn't appear to be) bothered by the possibility of people at Sea World, or at Disney Land giving them dirty looks, or saying something to them. I had a moment where my daughter needed to eat, and I excused myself from the group. I couldn't find ANYWHERE in Sea World that would be discreet to nurse, so I plopped myself down by the dolphin tank outside, and tried to awkwardly cover myself up w/ my jacket (which trying to hold your jacket w/ your teeth and maneuver your child is a difficult task... I don't care who you are.
So I gave up, and decided to not worry about it, and just nurse my hungry child. I decided I didn't care what others thought, my daughter was hungry, and tired, and needed to eat! Screw everyone else and being uncomfortable. My daughters health and well being comes before ANYONE'S "feelings". My next child will be breast fed, and I won't care where I am. If my child is hungry... my child will get food. If you don't like it... shut your eyes. We need to teach our children that boobs are not sexual. Boobs are ACTUALLY meant for the nourishment of infants/toddlers. They are meant for the growing needs of children. They provide benefits from a long list of illnesses, protect baby from developing allergies, boost intelligence, protect from obesity, lower the risk of SIDS among MANY other benefits. And that's just for the baby!! There are a few benefits for the mother too. Like lowering the risk SIGNIFICANTLY of breast cancer!!
I'm glad that I was able to breast feed because there are women who physically can't, and WANT to. I so wish every woman who could breast feed would. The benefits out weigh any uncomfortableness. BUT I understand when a woman doesn't want to. I don't "like" to breast feed. It's not something I looked forward to when my child was hungry. It was more of a task than something enjoyable for me. BUT I'm so glad I stuck with it. My daughter pretty much weaned herself around 12 months which is what my goal for length of breast feeding was. Next time it may be longer. But regardless... I'm glad that I chose to breast feed, and I will for sure be less sensitive about others when my child is hungry.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Maybe it's just not meant to be...
You know you live right, you do what you're supposed to, you try to live up to the standards that have been set for you, and even try to exceed those standards. Then life happens, and takes your legs out from under you, then kicks you in the gut. And you're left on the ground in the fetal position wondering what you did wrong. When we conceived Piper there was no problems! We were married July 29th, and were IMMEDIATELY pregnant. A BFP (big fat positive) on August 27th, and we were calling family that day. The only 2 complications I had were around 6 weeks I felt something drop when I went to the bathroom, but found out the baby was perfectly healthy w/ a strong heart beat. The second complication was I had high blood pressure my entire pregnancy. So I was at risk for pre-eclampsia but never was diagnosed. Piper was completely healthy.
Almost a year later another BFP on March 31st. I was extremely surprised, and felt really overwhelmed but was coming to terms w/ another baby; even though I wasn't feeling ready. That friday I noticed some bleeding, and had a bad feeling. Saturday morning I ended up in an emergency run to the women's clinic in Laramie. Ultra sound and blood tests confirmed I had lost the baby. The doctor (who really needed to go back to med school to learn some bedside manners...) gave us the go-ahead to try again when ever we wanted. Afterward we decided that it was something that we really did want. So we tried again. BFP on May 11th, and I was excited!! Monday they sent me in for blood tests to check my BETA HCG levels. They weren't good. They were at a 7, but the nurse gave me hope telling me that it could just be VERY early in the pregnancy, and we will test again on wednesday. It was pure torture waiting so I took 2 more pregnancy tests in between, and noticed that the positive line was getting lighter on the first try, and the 2nd try the test came back negative.
I knew what the next day would bring. I also started to bleed again tuesday night. Wednesday came and my numbers had gone down to a 2. Your HCG numbers need to double every 48-72 hours. Not doubling in that time, or dropping means miscarriage. So no need to follow my numbers to 0 at that point. So we had another loss on May 15th. I decided I needed to let my body rest. I wanted to wait at least 1 cycle before we try again. I thought I was being careful, and timing when we could and when we couldn't (I was charting). But turns out I probably ovulated earlier than I thought. ANOTHER BFP on June 22nd. Everything seemed to be going right, went in for my HCG test on monday which was at 23, much higher than last time. Wednesday came and my numbers went UP to 35. BUT that isn't doubling. It was a doubling time of 79 hours. The nurse told me on the phone that they wouldn't check my numbers again because I am going to lose this baby as well, and that I need to set up an appointment to find out why I am able to get pregnant but not keep the baby.
So I set up the appt, but I was DETERMINED to prove this nurse wrong. So I immediately decided I was going to suck down water like no ones business, and put myself on modified bed rest. (This does not determine if you can save your baby, I just did this to feel like I was doing EVERYTHING possible to keep this baby inside. But today shows signs of me losing yet another baby. So here I sit feeling defeated, incomplete, like I'm being punished for something, and many more feelings that I can't articulate at this time. But it is quite possibly the worst feeling I have felt to date. 3 back to back to back miscarriages. I question why was it so easy for me to be pregnant and get pregnant w/ Piper, but now all of a sudden there is something wrong w/ me.
What am I doing wrong? Why am I being punished? What is wrong w/ me? The worst part is I feel like I need to put on a smile for everyone and act like nothing is wrong. I feel like there is this expectation hanging over me to just be normal. Like it's not even worth grieving over. Also I have a daughter to care for. She needs me more than I need to grieve and be lost in my deep pit of despair. Somehow, someway I will get through this, and hopefully I will have answers sooner rather than later.
Almost a year later another BFP on March 31st. I was extremely surprised, and felt really overwhelmed but was coming to terms w/ another baby; even though I wasn't feeling ready. That friday I noticed some bleeding, and had a bad feeling. Saturday morning I ended up in an emergency run to the women's clinic in Laramie. Ultra sound and blood tests confirmed I had lost the baby. The doctor (who really needed to go back to med school to learn some bedside manners...) gave us the go-ahead to try again when ever we wanted. Afterward we decided that it was something that we really did want. So we tried again. BFP on May 11th, and I was excited!! Monday they sent me in for blood tests to check my BETA HCG levels. They weren't good. They were at a 7, but the nurse gave me hope telling me that it could just be VERY early in the pregnancy, and we will test again on wednesday. It was pure torture waiting so I took 2 more pregnancy tests in between, and noticed that the positive line was getting lighter on the first try, and the 2nd try the test came back negative.
I knew what the next day would bring. I also started to bleed again tuesday night. Wednesday came and my numbers had gone down to a 2. Your HCG numbers need to double every 48-72 hours. Not doubling in that time, or dropping means miscarriage. So no need to follow my numbers to 0 at that point. So we had another loss on May 15th. I decided I needed to let my body rest. I wanted to wait at least 1 cycle before we try again. I thought I was being careful, and timing when we could and when we couldn't (I was charting). But turns out I probably ovulated earlier than I thought. ANOTHER BFP on June 22nd. Everything seemed to be going right, went in for my HCG test on monday which was at 23, much higher than last time. Wednesday came and my numbers went UP to 35. BUT that isn't doubling. It was a doubling time of 79 hours. The nurse told me on the phone that they wouldn't check my numbers again because I am going to lose this baby as well, and that I need to set up an appointment to find out why I am able to get pregnant but not keep the baby.
So I set up the appt, but I was DETERMINED to prove this nurse wrong. So I immediately decided I was going to suck down water like no ones business, and put myself on modified bed rest. (This does not determine if you can save your baby, I just did this to feel like I was doing EVERYTHING possible to keep this baby inside. But today shows signs of me losing yet another baby. So here I sit feeling defeated, incomplete, like I'm being punished for something, and many more feelings that I can't articulate at this time. But it is quite possibly the worst feeling I have felt to date. 3 back to back to back miscarriages. I question why was it so easy for me to be pregnant and get pregnant w/ Piper, but now all of a sudden there is something wrong w/ me.
What am I doing wrong? Why am I being punished? What is wrong w/ me? The worst part is I feel like I need to put on a smile for everyone and act like nothing is wrong. I feel like there is this expectation hanging over me to just be normal. Like it's not even worth grieving over. Also I have a daughter to care for. She needs me more than I need to grieve and be lost in my deep pit of despair. Somehow, someway I will get through this, and hopefully I will have answers sooner rather than later.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Birthday Girl!!
On May 9th 2013 Piper celebrated her first birthday! Just mommy and Daddy, and Uncle Ron were with her to celebrate on her birthday, but Nana and Papa were home the next day, then Grandma and Grandpa will be here from the 14th to the 18th to give her big birthday loves.
Yesterday was her doctors appt for her 12 month wellness checkup. And in the doctors words, "She's a perfect patient!!" Piper doesn't really have any stranger danger, (the other day I was walking into the store, and she reached out for a man who looked as though he hadn't showered in a few days...) and the doctor said she thinks it's great for her (as Pipers doctor), but terrible when it comes to actual strangers... I was thinking the same thing. Nevertheless, Piper is very curious about other people, and loves her doctor.
She was weighed and measured, and I think it hilarious to say first that for her head she is in the 80th%, but for her height and weight... she is in the 25%... LOL my kids noggin is a stinkin' planet! But I love my big noggin kid! She's awful smart. And per her evaluation, she is operating at a 17 month mentality! (which I'm fully aware can change, but I am proud of her.)
She weighs 19lbs 4oz, and is 28 3/8" tall. She walks around like a pro, she even tries to run now! Her hair is getting longer making me more excited to start doing more than pig tails on her head. She eats nearly everything we do, I have convinced her she loves avocados! Her favorite thing to do all day is SNACK... the kid eats like a horse... and doesn't stop! But that also doesn't stop her from destroying the house as best she can... She makes a very BIG mess for such a small person.
She rang in her first birthday though with a terrible cold. Poor thing, when she breathes she sounds like a purring kitten, and she has a gnarly cough, but the doctor says she is A-OK, and it's nothing more than a cold. Poor kid though... who wants to be sick on their birthday? Regardless she is a happy kid. She goes about her day as though she isn't sick, though she has her moments. Today her head has met with a wall, a door, a vase, and the baby gate... so maybe she isn't operating at a 17 month old anymore lol. Poor kid.
In a couple weeks though we will be doing a cake smash for her, so we should have better pictures in the next couple months of her first birthday. Crossing my fingers it goes well, because the cake I made her she barely ate, AND it took her a while to start smashing! But once she caught the hang of it, she went to town and obliterated the cake quite quickly lol.
I will say though, I am truly grateful for my baby girl (who is no longer a baby, and has now graduated to a toddler!) She really is the light in my life. She brings me so much happiness. I couldn't imagine life without her.
Yesterday was her doctors appt for her 12 month wellness checkup. And in the doctors words, "She's a perfect patient!!" Piper doesn't really have any stranger danger, (the other day I was walking into the store, and she reached out for a man who looked as though he hadn't showered in a few days...) and the doctor said she thinks it's great for her (as Pipers doctor), but terrible when it comes to actual strangers... I was thinking the same thing. Nevertheless, Piper is very curious about other people, and loves her doctor.
She was weighed and measured, and I think it hilarious to say first that for her head she is in the 80th%, but for her height and weight... she is in the 25%... LOL my kids noggin is a stinkin' planet! But I love my big noggin kid! She's awful smart. And per her evaluation, she is operating at a 17 month mentality! (which I'm fully aware can change, but I am proud of her.)
She weighs 19lbs 4oz, and is 28 3/8" tall. She walks around like a pro, she even tries to run now! Her hair is getting longer making me more excited to start doing more than pig tails on her head. She eats nearly everything we do, I have convinced her she loves avocados! Her favorite thing to do all day is SNACK... the kid eats like a horse... and doesn't stop! But that also doesn't stop her from destroying the house as best she can... She makes a very BIG mess for such a small person.
She rang in her first birthday though with a terrible cold. Poor thing, when she breathes she sounds like a purring kitten, and she has a gnarly cough, but the doctor says she is A-OK, and it's nothing more than a cold. Poor kid though... who wants to be sick on their birthday? Regardless she is a happy kid. She goes about her day as though she isn't sick, though she has her moments. Today her head has met with a wall, a door, a vase, and the baby gate... so maybe she isn't operating at a 17 month old anymore lol. Poor kid.
In a couple weeks though we will be doing a cake smash for her, so we should have better pictures in the next couple months of her first birthday. Crossing my fingers it goes well, because the cake I made her she barely ate, AND it took her a while to start smashing! But once she caught the hang of it, she went to town and obliterated the cake quite quickly lol.
I will say though, I am truly grateful for my baby girl (who is no longer a baby, and has now graduated to a toddler!) She really is the light in my life. She brings me so much happiness. I couldn't imagine life without her.
A puzzle piece as a paci... strange kid.
Retro kid!
Birthday cake!
Birthday girl!
So pretty on her birthday!!
Birthday Collage
Excited for her cake!!
Cake officially smashed!!
Before her birthday I wanted to make sure her 0-4yr tutu would fit! And it did!
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Been a while.
I haven't really felt like blogging the last month, but today is a pre-big day! Tomorrow our little girl goes from infant... To TODDLER!!! I am so sad that my baby girl is growing up, BUT I'm excited for the new adventures to come!! Today I snapped a picture of the typical Piper. Walking around with a "bracelet" or two on her arm. If it has a hole in it... It's a bracelet. She is so stinking cute. I love how girly she is!!
Tomorrow is her 1 year birthday, but I'll update on the 10th after her official 1 year check up!
Momma's girly girl
Cleaning out the DVD's
Ready for church!
Shirt from Honduras that is probably a dress but we use it as a shirt.
She wanted her shirt on her head! Silly girl!
First PB&J
NAKED BABY ON THE LOOSE!! (What you do for bum rashes)
Birthday gift from Nana & Papa
Birthday gift from mom and dad. (Ball pit)
Mommy and Pipers feet
Girly girl
My beautiful girl!
Reminiscing
Her angry face!!
Learning to walk!
You can't go to the bathroom without getting peeped on...
Standing alone!!!
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Dealing with a loss (long)
So on March 30th we found out I was pregnant. I woke up, and I just "felt" pregnant, and thought I should test just to be sure. It was positive. The 2nd line was VERY light, but it was there. To be honest... I was NOT happy. The first word I said was "crap". ONLY because Dave and I wanted him to be working with the prison before we tried to get pregnant. Also I was scared of Piper feeling neglected, and not getting enough mommy time, and we still live in my parents house... etc. LOTS of worries. It took a couple days, but I was able to overcome my anxiety, and I was getting pretty excited to have a new little one running around the house. Especially as I looked at Piper and watched her learn, and start to walk a little, say more words, and she is SO good with other babies.
While pregnant I felt tired, a little extra hungry, but that is it. And it wasn't even close to the fatigue I felt while pregnant with Piper. Plus with Piper I was nauseous in the morning. But every pregnancy is different, so I wasn't too worried. Then (and this is hindsight) I woke up one morning about 3:30am and I had SO much energy. I felt like cleaning a lot, doing laundry, cooking, playing with Piper. I was in a sense what I thought was a type of nesting. I even thought to myself that it seemed a bit odd. I was up all day, and didn't feel sleepy until around 11 that night. Another thing I thought was odd especially for the early stages of pregnancy. The next day was essentially the same. I didn't wake up early, but I had a ton of energy.
That night around 11pm I noticed a TINY bit of pink blood. Something that is 100% normal in the early weeks of pregnancy. So I had a little fear (again, normal) but I didn't want to put to much into it. Piper woke up at 1:30am, I had to go to the bathroom, and the blood was no longer pink, but very much RED, and more of it. I started to get more worried, but thought it isn't enough to soak a pad, so I need to wait it out and see if it decreases. Piper went to bed around 3:30am and so did I.
I woke up around 6am because again I had to go to the bathroom. This time there was blood on my undergarments, and it's darker yet this time. So I sat on the couch holding my phone, wondering to myself if I should call the hospital now and speak with the on call OB, or should I wait it out, and call the doctors office when they open at 8:30am. By 7am I couldn't wait anymore, and I needed some reassurance. So I called the hospital, and spoke with the OB on call. I was instructed to get on the road and drive to Laramie (where my OB is) and call the OB office when they open, and see if they had any openings. If they didn't have any openings I was instructed to go directly to the hospital.
So I grabbed my mom (Dave needed to work, and if it was nothing I didn't want him to miss work for nothing.) dressed myself and Piper, and got on the road by 7:30. Signal is next to none on the way to Laramie, but right before we got there I was able to get some signal. They needed to have a nurse call me back (which when you're on the way to find out if you still have a baby or not; the wait is pretty nerve wracking...) I finally get a hold of a nurse, and she tells me she has an opening, about an hour later. When I get called back they have me pee in a cup so they can run a pregnancy test, and verify a pregnancy exists.
They take me back to the ultrasound room, and I had apparently started bleeding a lot more because all I heard the doctor say was, "that's a lot of blood". I started to get nervous at that point. They did the ultrasound, and I'm looking, desperately looking, searching the screen for ANY sign of a baby. But there was nothing. I couldn't see anything. They checked my ovaries to make sure there wasn't a baby in my tubes, and it didn't seem to the doctor that there was, but he was recommending a possible D&C to test the stuff he saw in my uterus to be 100% sure.
Him and his nurse left the room so I could get dressed. I was ok, up until I sat down after getting everything back on. I immediately started crying. The pure shock I felt from how this effected me was blowing me away. I thought to myself, "why am I crying...? I didn't want to be pregnant, I was upset at first about it... why am I sad?" But I was sad. Very terribly sad. I couldn't believe that my body had rejected the baby. I can't help but think I willed the baby away. I can't help but think... it's all my fault.
A little later I had a blood test done, and the nurses were very kind, and loving. They could tell my heart had just been shattered. They treated me so well. I was grateful for them. I was then sent away for 2 hours so the hospital could do the tests that needed to be done ASAP so we could have some answers. My mom and Piper and I went to lunch, then went back. When I went back, the doctor said my pregnancy test came back as negative. I had lost the baby. He wanted to talk about birth control, and many other things that I just couldn't focus on. So I left. On the way home I was a zombie. When I got home, I handed Piper to Dave, and went to bed.
It has been a few days (almost a week) and I am slowly starting to feel better, but it is still so hard to know that I am no longer pregnant. I think they hardest part for me right now, is I have quite a few friends who are nearly ready to have their own babies, and others who found out relatively close to when I found out I was, and others who are announcing their pregnancies. Even though I am so extremely happy for them, I feel so empty inside. I am so beyond baby hungry now that I find myself becoming jealous of their happiness, and they new adventure they are about to embark on.
I know it gets easier with time, but right now I wonder how long that time will take. And will I feel guilty for feeling better? I hope that by next week I can get back to normal, and start feeling normal again. I'm trying to will myself to just get over it. Though it is hard. I am though, now glad that I didn't immediately announce this pregnancy like I did when I found out I was pregnant with Piper. I guess this one just felt different. I can say though that I have an amazing support system here, and I have been well taken care of. I have no doubt that I will get pregnant again, but I also know that I will be cautious and most likely will again wait to announce it. But I am so grateful for my family, and my friends who are there for me. I am also beyond grateful for Piper. Without her... I don't know how I would have taken this loss. She is my light inside the very dark abyss that I felt I was in. Such a wonderful blessing.
While pregnant I felt tired, a little extra hungry, but that is it. And it wasn't even close to the fatigue I felt while pregnant with Piper. Plus with Piper I was nauseous in the morning. But every pregnancy is different, so I wasn't too worried. Then (and this is hindsight) I woke up one morning about 3:30am and I had SO much energy. I felt like cleaning a lot, doing laundry, cooking, playing with Piper. I was in a sense what I thought was a type of nesting. I even thought to myself that it seemed a bit odd. I was up all day, and didn't feel sleepy until around 11 that night. Another thing I thought was odd especially for the early stages of pregnancy. The next day was essentially the same. I didn't wake up early, but I had a ton of energy.
That night around 11pm I noticed a TINY bit of pink blood. Something that is 100% normal in the early weeks of pregnancy. So I had a little fear (again, normal) but I didn't want to put to much into it. Piper woke up at 1:30am, I had to go to the bathroom, and the blood was no longer pink, but very much RED, and more of it. I started to get more worried, but thought it isn't enough to soak a pad, so I need to wait it out and see if it decreases. Piper went to bed around 3:30am and so did I.
I woke up around 6am because again I had to go to the bathroom. This time there was blood on my undergarments, and it's darker yet this time. So I sat on the couch holding my phone, wondering to myself if I should call the hospital now and speak with the on call OB, or should I wait it out, and call the doctors office when they open at 8:30am. By 7am I couldn't wait anymore, and I needed some reassurance. So I called the hospital, and spoke with the OB on call. I was instructed to get on the road and drive to Laramie (where my OB is) and call the OB office when they open, and see if they had any openings. If they didn't have any openings I was instructed to go directly to the hospital.
So I grabbed my mom (Dave needed to work, and if it was nothing I didn't want him to miss work for nothing.) dressed myself and Piper, and got on the road by 7:30. Signal is next to none on the way to Laramie, but right before we got there I was able to get some signal. They needed to have a nurse call me back (which when you're on the way to find out if you still have a baby or not; the wait is pretty nerve wracking...) I finally get a hold of a nurse, and she tells me she has an opening, about an hour later. When I get called back they have me pee in a cup so they can run a pregnancy test, and verify a pregnancy exists.
They take me back to the ultrasound room, and I had apparently started bleeding a lot more because all I heard the doctor say was, "that's a lot of blood". I started to get nervous at that point. They did the ultrasound, and I'm looking, desperately looking, searching the screen for ANY sign of a baby. But there was nothing. I couldn't see anything. They checked my ovaries to make sure there wasn't a baby in my tubes, and it didn't seem to the doctor that there was, but he was recommending a possible D&C to test the stuff he saw in my uterus to be 100% sure.
Him and his nurse left the room so I could get dressed. I was ok, up until I sat down after getting everything back on. I immediately started crying. The pure shock I felt from how this effected me was blowing me away. I thought to myself, "why am I crying...? I didn't want to be pregnant, I was upset at first about it... why am I sad?" But I was sad. Very terribly sad. I couldn't believe that my body had rejected the baby. I can't help but think I willed the baby away. I can't help but think... it's all my fault.
A little later I had a blood test done, and the nurses were very kind, and loving. They could tell my heart had just been shattered. They treated me so well. I was grateful for them. I was then sent away for 2 hours so the hospital could do the tests that needed to be done ASAP so we could have some answers. My mom and Piper and I went to lunch, then went back. When I went back, the doctor said my pregnancy test came back as negative. I had lost the baby. He wanted to talk about birth control, and many other things that I just couldn't focus on. So I left. On the way home I was a zombie. When I got home, I handed Piper to Dave, and went to bed.
It has been a few days (almost a week) and I am slowly starting to feel better, but it is still so hard to know that I am no longer pregnant. I think they hardest part for me right now, is I have quite a few friends who are nearly ready to have their own babies, and others who found out relatively close to when I found out I was, and others who are announcing their pregnancies. Even though I am so extremely happy for them, I feel so empty inside. I am so beyond baby hungry now that I find myself becoming jealous of their happiness, and they new adventure they are about to embark on.
I know it gets easier with time, but right now I wonder how long that time will take. And will I feel guilty for feeling better? I hope that by next week I can get back to normal, and start feeling normal again. I'm trying to will myself to just get over it. Though it is hard. I am though, now glad that I didn't immediately announce this pregnancy like I did when I found out I was pregnant with Piper. I guess this one just felt different. I can say though that I have an amazing support system here, and I have been well taken care of. I have no doubt that I will get pregnant again, but I also know that I will be cautious and most likely will again wait to announce it. But I am so grateful for my family, and my friends who are there for me. I am also beyond grateful for Piper. Without her... I don't know how I would have taken this loss. She is my light inside the very dark abyss that I felt I was in. Such a wonderful blessing.
Monday, February 18, 2013
It's been a while...
So since I last posted Piper has turned 9 months old! I can't believe how big she is getting. We go wednesday for her well check up, and I find out how long she is and how much she weighs. I LOVE these visits (minus the shots of course... who loves shots??) Also my parents invited us to go to Granby Colorado for a weekend to try out the brand new time share. It was VERY nice. I could have just moved in... plus Granby its self was pretty cool too. A really small sleepy little town, that only grows in population during the winter, otherwise it's a population of about 3,000. Pretty small, but it is a ski town.
Dave has since found a job. It is part time, but it gets him working, and out of the house. He transports train crews to and from their job sites. Like I said... it's not much, but it gets him working and out of the house. I continue doing my stay at home mom thing... nothing really new to report. Just taking care of Piper, and doing laundry, cooking occasionally, cleaning, etc. Nothing any other mom doesn't do, only difference is I don't have a job, and have extra time to play with my favorite little girl on the planet.
Speaking of Piper, I don't know that I could love another living thing more. She amazes me every day. I have to take her picture almost daily, and I upload them on facebook for all of my extended family who are not near, and would like to watch her grow up. I (like most moms) find most everything Piper does HILARIOUS... probably not so much to anyone else, but I appreciate you looking at her videos that I post. It at least makes me feel good. lol
She had grown up so much. She now pulls herself up on every thing. She says momma, nana, dadda, papa, oh no, and she has signed a couple times the word eat. She wants nothing more than to walk, and to be super independent. But she loves her mommy, and loves cuddles with me. She likes to play with Daddy, but doesn't really like his kisses. I think it's probably because of his scruffy face. She thinks my parents dog Sadie is the best thing since slice bread, but sadie could take her or leave her.
lol but Sadie is a good sport and will sometimes play with her. Piper absolutely refuses to crawl on her hands and knees. She would MUCH rather army crawl. It's pretty funny to watch her crawl around so quickly on her belly. Though we have to be careful not to put her down to crawl after a recent meal. Otherwise it will come back up. I was FINALLY able to put her hair in pig tails. Though it will probably be a while till I do that again lol because her hair is JUST long enough. But still not very long. But I'm getting excited for all the fun stuff I get to do with her hair. Also biggest news for her is she has 2 teeth now! And she constantly feels them with her tongue. lol
So that is what is up with us!! Now for the fun part. Pictures!!!
Dave has since found a job. It is part time, but it gets him working, and out of the house. He transports train crews to and from their job sites. Like I said... it's not much, but it gets him working and out of the house. I continue doing my stay at home mom thing... nothing really new to report. Just taking care of Piper, and doing laundry, cooking occasionally, cleaning, etc. Nothing any other mom doesn't do, only difference is I don't have a job, and have extra time to play with my favorite little girl on the planet.
Speaking of Piper, I don't know that I could love another living thing more. She amazes me every day. I have to take her picture almost daily, and I upload them on facebook for all of my extended family who are not near, and would like to watch her grow up. I (like most moms) find most everything Piper does HILARIOUS... probably not so much to anyone else, but I appreciate you looking at her videos that I post. It at least makes me feel good. lol
She had grown up so much. She now pulls herself up on every thing. She says momma, nana, dadda, papa, oh no, and she has signed a couple times the word eat. She wants nothing more than to walk, and to be super independent. But she loves her mommy, and loves cuddles with me. She likes to play with Daddy, but doesn't really like his kisses. I think it's probably because of his scruffy face. She thinks my parents dog Sadie is the best thing since slice bread, but sadie could take her or leave her.
lol but Sadie is a good sport and will sometimes play with her. Piper absolutely refuses to crawl on her hands and knees. She would MUCH rather army crawl. It's pretty funny to watch her crawl around so quickly on her belly. Though we have to be careful not to put her down to crawl after a recent meal. Otherwise it will come back up. I was FINALLY able to put her hair in pig tails. Though it will probably be a while till I do that again lol because her hair is JUST long enough. But still not very long. But I'm getting excited for all the fun stuff I get to do with her hair. Also biggest news for her is she has 2 teeth now! And she constantly feels them with her tongue. lol
So that is what is up with us!! Now for the fun part. Pictures!!!
flirting with the camera
downstairs bathroom
entryway
living room
Dinning room/kitchen
view from down stairs
we get a grill!
And a hot tub!!! (It was so cold outside that when we used the hot tub my hair actually froze into icicles.
Daves and my room
Kitchen
other view of our room
We were given robes!
The bathroom... it was HUGE
I loved the spa bath tub.
vanity
HUGE shower. you could probably comfortably fit 4+ people in this thing!
view from our bedroom upstairs
free to play where ever she wanted!
The army crawl
can stand in her crib!
loves doing her new trick
TOOFER!!!!
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