Dealing with a loss (long)

So on March 30th we found out I was pregnant.  I woke up, and I just "felt" pregnant, and thought I should test just to be sure.  It was positive.  The 2nd line was VERY light, but it was there. To be honest... I was NOT happy.  The first word I said was "crap".  ONLY because Dave and I wanted him to be working with the prison before we tried to get pregnant.  Also I was scared of Piper feeling neglected, and not getting enough mommy time, and we still live in my parents house... etc.  LOTS of worries.  It took a couple days, but I was able to overcome my anxiety, and I was getting pretty excited to have a new little one running around the house.  Especially as I looked at Piper and watched her learn, and start to walk a little, say more words, and she is SO good with other babies.

While pregnant I felt tired, a little extra hungry, but that is it.  And it wasn't even close to the fatigue I felt while pregnant with Piper.  Plus with Piper I was nauseous in the morning.  But every pregnancy is different, so I wasn't too worried.  Then (and this is hindsight) I woke up one morning about 3:30am and I had SO much energy.  I felt like cleaning a lot, doing laundry, cooking, playing with Piper.  I was in a sense what I thought was a type of nesting.  I even thought to myself that it seemed a bit odd.  I was up all day, and didn't feel sleepy until around 11 that night.  Another thing I thought was odd especially for the early stages of pregnancy.  The next day was essentially the same. I didn't wake up early, but I had a ton of energy.

That night around 11pm I noticed a TINY bit of pink blood.  Something that is 100% normal in the early weeks of pregnancy.  So I had a little fear (again, normal) but I didn't want to put to much into it.  Piper woke up at 1:30am, I had to go to the bathroom, and the blood was no longer pink, but very much RED, and more of it.  I started to get more worried, but thought it isn't enough to soak a pad, so I need to wait it out and see if it decreases.  Piper went to bed around 3:30am and so did I.

I woke up around 6am because again I had to go to the bathroom.  This time there was blood on my undergarments, and it's darker yet this time.  So I sat on the couch holding my phone, wondering to myself if I should call the hospital now and speak with the on call OB, or should I wait it out, and call the doctors office when they open at 8:30am.  By 7am I couldn't wait anymore, and I needed some reassurance.  So I called the hospital, and spoke with the OB on call.  I was instructed to get on the road and drive to Laramie (where my OB is) and call the OB office when they open, and see if they had any openings.  If they didn't have any openings I was instructed to go directly to the hospital.

So I grabbed my mom (Dave needed to work, and if it was nothing I didn't want him to miss work for nothing.)  dressed myself and Piper, and got on the road by 7:30.  Signal is next to none on the way to Laramie, but right before we got there I was able to get some signal.  They needed to have a nurse call me back (which when you're on the way to find out if you still have a baby or not; the wait is pretty nerve wracking...)  I finally get a hold of a nurse, and she tells me she has an opening, about an hour later.  When I get called back they have me pee in a cup so they can run a pregnancy test, and verify a pregnancy exists.

They take me back to the ultrasound room, and I had apparently started bleeding a lot more because all I heard the doctor say was, "that's a lot of blood".  I started to get nervous at that point.  They did the ultrasound, and I'm looking, desperately looking, searching the screen for ANY sign of a baby.  But there was nothing.  I couldn't see anything.  They checked my ovaries to make sure there wasn't a baby in my tubes, and it didn't seem to the doctor that there was, but he was recommending a possible D&C to test the stuff he saw in my uterus to be 100% sure.

Him and his nurse left the room so I could get dressed.  I was ok, up until I sat down after getting everything back on.  I immediately started crying.  The pure shock I felt from how this effected me was blowing me away.  I thought to myself, "why am I crying...?  I didn't want to be pregnant, I was upset at first about it... why am I sad?"  But I was sad.  Very terribly sad.  I couldn't believe that my body had rejected the baby.  I can't help but think I willed the baby away.  I can't help but think... it's all my fault.

A little later I had a blood test done, and the nurses were very kind, and loving.  They could tell my heart had just been shattered.  They treated me so well.  I was grateful for them.  I was then sent away for 2 hours so the hospital could do the tests that needed to be done ASAP so we could have some answers.  My mom and Piper and I went to lunch, then went back.  When I went back, the doctor said my pregnancy test came back as negative.  I had lost the baby.  He wanted to talk about birth control, and many other things that I just couldn't focus on.  So I left.   On the way home I was a zombie.  When I got home, I handed Piper to Dave, and went to bed.

It has been a few days (almost a week) and I am slowly starting to feel better, but it is still so hard to know that I am no longer pregnant.  I think they hardest part for me right now, is I have quite a few friends who are nearly ready to have their own babies, and others who found out relatively close to when I found out I was, and others who are announcing their pregnancies.  Even though I am so extremely happy for them, I feel so empty inside.  I am so beyond baby hungry now that I find myself becoming jealous of their happiness, and they new adventure they are about to embark on.

I know it gets easier with time, but right now I wonder how long that time will take.  And will I feel guilty for feeling better?  I hope that by next week I can get back to normal, and start feeling normal again.  I'm trying to will myself to just get over it.  Though it is hard. I am though, now glad that I didn't immediately announce this pregnancy like I did when I found out I was pregnant with Piper.  I guess this one just felt different.  I can say though that I have an amazing support system here, and I have been well taken care of.  I have no doubt that I will get pregnant again, but I also know that I will be cautious and most likely will again wait to announce it.  But I am so grateful for my family, and my friends who are there for me.  I am also beyond grateful for Piper.  Without her... I don't know how I would have taken this loss.  She is my light inside the very dark abyss that I felt I was in.  Such a wonderful blessing.