You know you live right, you do what you're supposed to, you try to live up to the standards that have been set for you, and even try to exceed those standards. Then life happens, and takes your legs out from under you, then kicks you in the gut. And you're left on the ground in the fetal position wondering what you did wrong. When we conceived Piper there was no problems! We were married July 29th, and were IMMEDIATELY pregnant. A BFP (big fat positive) on August 27th, and we were calling family that day. The only 2 complications I had were around 6 weeks I felt something drop when I went to the bathroom, but found out the baby was perfectly healthy w/ a strong heart beat. The second complication was I had high blood pressure my entire pregnancy. So I was at risk for pre-eclampsia but never was diagnosed. Piper was completely healthy.
Almost a year later another BFP on March 31st. I was extremely surprised, and felt really overwhelmed but was coming to terms w/ another baby; even though I wasn't feeling ready. That friday I noticed some bleeding, and had a bad feeling. Saturday morning I ended up in an emergency run to the women's clinic in Laramie. Ultra sound and blood tests confirmed I had lost the baby. The doctor (who really needed to go back to med school to learn some bedside manners...) gave us the go-ahead to try again when ever we wanted. Afterward we decided that it was something that we really did want. So we tried again. BFP on May 11th, and I was excited!! Monday they sent me in for blood tests to check my BETA HCG levels. They weren't good. They were at a 7, but the nurse gave me hope telling me that it could just be VERY early in the pregnancy, and we will test again on wednesday. It was pure torture waiting so I took 2 more pregnancy tests in between, and noticed that the positive line was getting lighter on the first try, and the 2nd try the test came back negative.
I knew what the next day would bring. I also started to bleed again tuesday night. Wednesday came and my numbers had gone down to a 2. Your HCG numbers need to double every 48-72 hours. Not doubling in that time, or dropping means miscarriage. So no need to follow my numbers to 0 at that point. So we had another loss on May 15th. I decided I needed to let my body rest. I wanted to wait at least 1 cycle before we try again. I thought I was being careful, and timing when we could and when we couldn't (I was charting). But turns out I probably ovulated earlier than I thought. ANOTHER BFP on June 22nd. Everything seemed to be going right, went in for my HCG test on monday which was at 23, much higher than last time. Wednesday came and my numbers went UP to 35. BUT that isn't doubling. It was a doubling time of 79 hours. The nurse told me on the phone that they wouldn't check my numbers again because I am going to lose this baby as well, and that I need to set up an appointment to find out why I am able to get pregnant but not keep the baby.
So I set up the appt, but I was DETERMINED to prove this nurse wrong. So I immediately decided I was going to suck down water like no ones business, and put myself on modified bed rest. (This does not determine if you can save your baby, I just did this to feel like I was doing EVERYTHING possible to keep this baby inside. But today shows signs of me losing yet another baby. So here I sit feeling defeated, incomplete, like I'm being punished for something, and many more feelings that I can't articulate at this time. But it is quite possibly the worst feeling I have felt to date. 3 back to back to back miscarriages. I question why was it so easy for me to be pregnant and get pregnant w/ Piper, but now all of a sudden there is something wrong w/ me.
What am I doing wrong? Why am I being punished? What is wrong w/ me? The worst part is I feel like I need to put on a smile for everyone and act like nothing is wrong. I feel like there is this expectation hanging over me to just be normal. Like it's not even worth grieving over. Also I have a daughter to care for. She needs me more than I need to grieve and be lost in my deep pit of despair. Somehow, someway I will get through this, and hopefully I will have answers sooner rather than later.
Have you ever thought about Noah?
4 years ago
I had two miscarriages before I got pregnant with Rhett. It was awful and I felt the same way you did. I thought maybe I wasn't going to be able to have kids. Finally I had Rhett. Now I'm having problems the other way and can't get pregnant and tried for 11 months for Ella and over a year now for #3. I'm even on medication to help. As soon as I get pregnant I have to get on progesterone cause my numbers don't go up like they're suppose to either.
ReplyDeleteI will keep you and your family in my prayers. *hugs*
Oh Emily, I'm so sorry. I, too, hope you're able to find some answers soon, and some peace as well. I'll be thinking of and praying for you. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI had two miscarriages before Kori. Had her, had no problem conceiving or carrying Dayton. We decided we really wanted 3. So when D was a year old we started to TTC. Well I took about 8 months but I got a BFP. And of course once you have a miscarriage you stress over every twinge and cramp. Well I was super sick and at 9 weeks heard the heartbeat. No bleeding, no cramping. At 13 weeks went in for a routine appt glad to have made it past the first trimester. Only to find there was no heartbeat. I was devastated. My body didn't pass in naturally so I had to have a d & c.
ReplyDeleteWell we TTC again after 2 years I was told I had secondary infertility. I had prayed for a third but finally accepted the answer as no. And I had a healthy son and Daughter.
So three years later we were planning on Forest to get a vasectomy. Well I was late (which was kinda normal for me) so I took a test. BFP!
I was in shock and so was Forest. But I started bleeding @ 7 weeks. I was in Reno, I went to the ER. No bleeding has ever been good for me. But guess what? Baby had a strong heartbeat. I was still nervous. And I even at 20 weeks I was still so scared of something going wrong.
So here I am less then 3 days until my c section and I still have a hard time imagining a third. Even as badly as I prayed for him.
I always wanted kids close together. Especially since I was so young when I started having kids. I had a plan and liked it. Now my youngest 2 will be almost 7 years apart!
Heavenly Father is teaching my that even though I do things I am supposed to I need to increase my faith by letting Him have control. That sometimes I need to realize that no matter what my plan is, I need to let go and have faith that he will take care of me. It is VERY VERY hard for me to achieve that part of my faith in Him, 100%. It goes back to some of the things I expirenced as a kid.
*hugs* You aren't doing anything wrong. And it is OK to grieve and when you feel sad, hug Piper super tight. Cry and just tell her she is a good girl but you feel a little sad and need a hug. I hope you find answers, and if not accept that too ( I never got answers)
Emily I am so sorry. Cling onto that faith you have that Heavenly Father knows you better than you know yourself, and that he is protecting you and your family. My heart aches for you, but I know there are great things in store for you if you just hang in there. I think grief is a good thing in a lot of ways, because it moves us to do things that we need to do, if that makes sense at all :) we will keep you in our prayers, and hope to see you soon
ReplyDeleteMelissa
That last paragraph really spoke to me. I feel the same way. I haven't had a confirmed pregnancy but me and the hubs are trying so hard. I want a family so bad. Not just the baby part the whole family. I feel like I am not good enough to get pregnant...like maybe I'm too fat or not healthy enough. I just wish there could be a positive end to my misery.
ReplyDelete